Nobody TV
by inkspl0tch
Summary: Xemnas is low on funds, so he gets a TV show charging money to see organization XIII members do random stuff.
1. Numa Numa

Demyx: GIVE ME THE TV REMOTE, AXEL!

Axel: NEVARRR!

Demyx: *tackles* Gimee!

Rexie: *rolls eyes* * grabs the remote from Axel* Shut it, guys, we're filming.

Axel: …

Demyx: Hehe..

Rexie: Hello World! I'm Rexie, coming to you live from Castle Oblivion, where all of your favorite Nobodies are! We'll be taking your calls for the next hour at 555-1234. For a small fee of $5, you can all and tell us want you want to see happen, or just ask for a question to be answered. Start calling now, we're going on commercial break.

Commercial begins: Do you ever find this happening to you?

Rexie: This may be the stupidest idea Xemnas has ever had.

Demyx: We are pretty low on funds….

Rexie: But a TV program about us, so we can get money? Not only will that expose all of our secrets, but… think of what they'll have us do! *cringes*

Axel: Hey, $5 a call plus another $5 from our sponsors, isn't too bad.

Zexion: *walking in* After you take out the $50 for the camera man, and the $200 for an hour on TV…. .

Rexie: Right.

Axel: Well-

*beeping noise is heard*

Rexie: Commercials over! *tosses Axel the mike and sticks her tongue out*

Axel: Huh? Oh, hey everyone! We're back, and we're about to take our first call. Caller number 1, are you there?

Caller Number 1: EEEEEEEEPP! Lindsay, we're on!

Caler Number 1's Friend: *heard in the background* EEEEEEPP! I HEAR OUR VOICES ON TV, BETH!

Axel: annoyed sigh* Do you have a question? Or something you want us to do?

Caller Number 1 and friend: EEEEEEEEE! It's AXEL! *swoon&sigh*

Axel: Heheh.. ^_^

Caller Number 1: Ok uhmm…. Dance!

Axel: *Are-you-serious-look* Umm… *Casper Slides* Ok, bye! *hangs up* And now it's time for another commercial break!

Commercial: Are you tired of having issues cosplaying as Axel? We have the solution for YOU!

Axel: o.0 People cosplay as me? AMAZING!

Zexion, Demyx, Rexie: -_-

Axel: ^_^

Rexie: At least we only have 50 minutes to go …

*beepbeep*

Zexion: *stupid short commercial*

Rexie: Zexy, it's your turn to talk to some one :3

Zexion: And we're back. We're ready for caller number 2.

Caller Number 2: ZEXION? OMG I LOVE YOU!

Rexie: Back off *growls*

Caller Number 2: Meh. Anyways, I wanna see … Fine, Zexion AND Rexie sing the misheard Numa Numa lyrics.

Rexie: You'rve got to be kidng me.

Caller Number 2: Shouldn't have interfered. Then it would have been only Zexion :)

Zexion and Rexie: *angrily* Mia hee!  
Mai hoo!  
Mai haa!  
Mai ha-ha!  
Mia hee!  
Mai hoo!  
Mai haa!  
Mai ha-ha!  
Mia hee!  
Mai hoo!  
Mai haa!  
Mai ha-ha!  
Mia hee!  
Mai hoo!  
Mai haa!  
Mai ha-ha!  
Hello?  
Salute?  
Sit chair, oon, high duke?  
She tearo, you be the man  
who mashed the, feta cheese-ah!  
Hello?  
Hello?  
Sedan, Picasso?  
Sound that beep!  
*beep beep beep!*  
Sheep is unique, that's the sting  
no share, me knee  
raise the pledge, now numa numa ay,  
numa numa ay, numa numa numa ay  
keep it down, she ramen shut the day  
now i'm impreesed, now okee pay ay!  
raise the pledge, now numa numa ay,  
numa numa ay, numa numa numa ay  
keep it down, she ramen shut the day  
now i'm impreesed, now okee pay ay!  
say soon? said spoon? jessie? aku?  
Hello? you be the man, feta cheese ah!  
hello? hello? synthetic shoe! picasso-oh, sound that beep 

Axel and Demyx: *On the floor laughing very hard*

Zexion and Rexie: ASDFGHOUDFJ:LKJ#$:LJDSF#24. COMMERCIAL.

**Wanna know what happens next? Go listen to the Numa Numa song 562 times consecutively, and by the time you finish that, another story should be up! :D**


	2. Size Matters

**A/N: For the record, they're getting $50 from the sponsors, not 5. I couldn't change it without deleting th whole story ;-;**

Commercial: YOU NEED OXICLEAN. NOW. –

Rexie: I'm scarred.

Zexion: -_- Worst idea ever. I can't believe we're demeaning ourselves to this.

Demyx and Axel: *don't even try to hold a laugh*

Rexie: Fine, Demyx and Axel both answer the next call.

Demyx: Oh no….

Axel: Oh my gosh. I can see the crazy fans already coming up with something all yaoi and stuff. -_-;

Demyx: Wut? What's yaoi?

Zexion, Rexie, and Axel: 0.0;

*beepitdy beep*

Rexie: Aarrgh. Here yah go, Demmy!

Demyx: Hello my sexy fans! *winks* We're ready for lucky caller number 3! And remember, a small $5 fee will be charged to whatever phone plan you have! And… caller number 3 is on the line!

Caller Number 3: OohMYGOSH! Demmyy! Well. I'm going to get my five bucks worth. You have to … KISS AXEL!

Demyx: WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT?

Axel: Uh uh. No way.

Caller Number 3: $5 bucks has already been charged to me. I'll sue you. Now, chopchop! Kiss!

Axel and Demyx: D:

Axel: Can't someone kiss Rexie? Cos she's a girl? I mean, wouldn't you rather see her and Zexion kiss?

Caller Number 3: Well. I suppose. But… not Zexion. I suppose it will either be you or Demyx.

Demyx and Axel: 0.0;;;

Caller Number 3: Hmm…Where's Xigbar?

Rexie: WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT?

Zexion: D:

Axel: Umm. I'll go find him! (Better that me kissing her. Don't want Zexion on my case) -_- *runs off to find Xigbar)

Rexie: .

Caller Number 3: Or Luxord… Hm…

Zexion: The Horror o.o

Demyx: Whew…

Axel: I'M BACK! I FOUND XIGBAR! *drags Xigbar in*

Xigbar: What the #&& are you doing?

Caller Number 3: Ok, Xigbar has to kiss Rexie.

Xigbar: Hmm. *Runs and kisses Rexie, with tongue and all*

Rexie: MFDSFJASDFHfdsDSFK . EWW!

Xigbar (to Zexi-): Let me know how I taste. ^^

Zexion and Rexie: Grr….. *summons weapons, advances towards Xigbar*

Xigbar: Uhmm… Wait a minute now… The caller told me to do it! Get them not me!

Rexie and Zexion: *ignore* * gets ready to attack*

Caller Number 3: !:D

Demyx: Ummm… It's uh time for a commercial! *camera cuts off* *sound still on* OH MY GOSH DON'T KILL XIGBAR! *sounds of a fight are heard* C'MON YOU AL BREAK IT UP! AHH! NOT ME! EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP! *static*

Commercial: Guys, size does matter to women…-


	3. A Xigbar In A Cast

Xigbar: *walks in wearing a cast* We're back with Nobody TV. Because of crazy fans like you all, I have to wear a cast! We've been taking your calls for the last 20 minutes! Five bucks will get you a chance to talk to or even questions/dare's to your favorite Nobody's! *sticks tongue out*

Rexie: *glares at Xigbar, while spitting mouthwash onto his shoe* We're now taking caller number 4.

Caller Number 4: *strange voice* Uhm. Hello. Rexie. Xigbar. And Crew… I would like to ask you a question, and you are now obligated to answer.

Axel: Is that right?

Caller Number 4: Yes, it is. I know you have to because of the last caller.

Axel: *Gives yet another 'are-you-serious' look* Well then. O_o If you believe that, then ask away. We'll see what we can do.

Caller Number 4: I would like to know the whereabouts of your new hideout.

*everyone in the room either, sputters, or laughs*

Demyx: *doesn't want to get sued* Well, that's not a question !

Caller Number 4: Well then, what is the location of your new hideout? Ever since I … er, someone I know found it and almost killed everyone, you've relocated. The people wanna know!

Axel: Hey! It's my best buddy Sora!

Zexion: *facepalm* Xemnas would have our heads if we answered that. Now, your answer is . . . Somewhere far away from our old hideout.

Sora: YOU'RE BACK AT CASTLE OBLIVION, RIGHT?

Rexie: Ha, sure. *hangs up on Caller Number 4*

Xigbar: *cleaning off his shoe* And now it's time for another

Commercial : HEYY! In a snuggie!

Rexie and Zexion: *still glaring at Xiggy*

Axel and Demyx: *snicker*

Axel: Better him than either of us.

Demyx: Say… Why are we the only ones humiliating ourselves on TV? There are 9 other people…

Zexion: Demyx brings up a good point. Me, Rexie, Demyx, and Axel will go find more people. Xigbar, take care of caller 5.

Xigbar: Hey wa-

*beepbeepbeep!*

Rexie: Buh bye!

Xigbar: And we're back… I'm ready to take caller 5, by myself. I guess I brought this on myself…

Caller Number 5: Hello?

Xigbar: Yo.

Caller Number: Oh, hello Xigbar. Are you doing well?

Xigbar: Is that your question /dare?

Caller Number 5: No…

Xigbar: Hurry up, dude.

Caller Number 5: Well then. Where do you get your amazing cloaks at, and where can I get one.

Xigbar: Nobody knows, and no where. Thanks for the munny, man! *hangs up*

Xigbar: Well… I should probably take another caller, but I don't feel like it… Everyone should be back soon. *phone rings*

Xigbar: Hello?

Rexie: #Take Another CALL!#

Xigbar: As if. Well, our sponsors require we take a commercial break every 10 minutes so….

Commercial: ARE YOU TIRED OF SHAVING YOUR LEGS OR FACIAL HAIR, AND CUTTING YOURSELF?


	4. Clever Little Sneak!

Larxene: *growls* We are back. *throws mic at Axel, intentionally hitting him in the face*

Axel: Ow! *nosebleed* Hey! YOU WANNA FIGHT?

Sai'x: *takes Microphone from Axel before it can get bloody, sticking out his tongue* We're taking caller number 6 now. All 13 of us are here. Hello Caller Number 6.

Caller Number Six: Hello Sai'x Puppy!

Sai'x: IT WAS JUST A RUMOR! .

Caller Number 6: Right. Well, I was gonna have you and Xemnas kiss each other on live TV, but I decided not to… Because I see Larxene and Axel are giving each other static. I wanna see them fight!

Sai'x: I'm not going to comment on what you just said. Instead, I will go find out if this is permittable. *talks to Xemnas* Since we have to keep this PG, we will just let you hear the sounds of their fight.

(Larxene and Axel are locked in a room with the microphone. The camera is kept in the main room.)

Demyx: *Is seen trying to peek in the room- get's scorched*

Larxene: GET BACK OVER HERE! YOU CALL YOUSELF A MAN? #Zzzaappp zzzzap#

Rexie, Zexion, and Xigbar: *are seen attending Demmy's wounds*

Axel: EEEPPP! *whoosh woosh bark splash EEEEEEPPP!*

(Axel and Larxene emerge from the room with the microphone)

Larxene: THE LITTLE SNEAK HAD A WATER BOTTLE! *is soaked, little sparky things are emerging from her skin*

Xigbar: CLEVER LITTLE SNEAK! Good job Axel!

Axel: *smiling smugly* Thanks !

Larxene: *growls* You want a bloody lip to go with your bloody nose?

Axel: *sulks off*

Rexie: Well, that took a buncha time! We gotta have another commercial!

Commercial: Help, I've fallen and I can't get up!

Rexie: So how many commercials were we supposed to do?

Zexion: Like, 2 million just for 50 bucks from our sponsors.

Xemnas: *sitting in the corner* Not my best idea ever… We need to take more calls. Start charging callers $50 bucks now, but don't tell them. They won't know what hit em!

**Eeep! What's gonna happen? Is the Organization gonna go bankrupt, get sued, or BOTH? :O**

**What do YOU wanna see the Organization do? Tell me in a Review, and I promise you won't be charged(: **


	5. Bluenettes

Rexie: We're really gonna secretly charge everyone $50 ? What if we get sued ?

Xemnas: We all relocate and change our names and dye out hair … green. Nobody seems to have green hair. *dead serious*

Virtually everyone else in the room: -.-

Sai'x : But… sir, I like my blue hair…

Rexie: *looks to Zexi* I doubt green would work for me or Zexion. He's a blue-nette, and I have my black and blue hair. . .

Xemnas: better than major plastic surgery. Or… Is it ? *thoughtful*

Everyone: 0.0;;;;

*beeeeeep*

Xemnas: Some one go change the amount charged somehow and hurry or I'll make dusks of you. *snatches mic* Greeting to all you somebodies out there. It is I, Xemnas, leader of the nobodies. We are taking your questions or requests for a *cough*small*cough* amount of money. Call away. Oh look. Here is caller number 7 right now.

Caller Number 7: OMG MANSEX !

Xemnas: .#

Caller Number 7: Hehehe. Ok. Here… is my question. Can I join the organization?

Xemnas: *snorts then laughs* Ahem. Well. Are you a nobody ?

Caller Number 7: No… but you can change that right ?

Xemnas: Once you get attacked by heartless, we'll talk. Until then, good bye !

Axel: You have no intention of making someone else a nobody, do you?

Xemnas: Of course not. It's called Organization XIII after all.

Commercial: It's a pillow, it's a pet! It'sa pillow pet ! :D


	6. Uh Ips!

Demyx: Hey, we're closer to being out of the negative now!

Axel: Yea, we're only $120 in the hole -_-

Sai'x: Without our Superiors brilliant idea, we'd be at $165 ^^

Xemnas: I am brilliant, aren't I?

Luxord: Thank God this is almost over. At this rate, we only need three more calls just to get out of the bloody negative! And that is of course, if we don't get sued. What is that, false adviratisement?

Rexie: Try misleading. . . ¬_¬

Xemnas: What are you saying? *skeptical look*

Xaldin: Don't make it more painful than it needs to be. -/- Take the next call.

Xigbar: Be my guest! *tosses mic*

Xaldin: I didn't mean me *growls*

*beeeeepitybeepbeepbeeeep!*

Xaldin: *hiss* Hello. People. Um. It is I. Xaldin. The Whirlwind Lancer. Um… Yeah. We're taking requests, dares, questions etc for a … erm… small fee. Oh. Look. There's caller number 8. Great.

Caller Number 8: Hehehe. Hello Xaldin!

Xaldin: Hi. -.-

Caller Number 8: How are you this simply lovely day? :DD

Xaldin: Irritated. What are you calling for?

Caller Number 8: Aww. No need to be irritated Xaldy!

Xaldin: XALDY? XO

*snickers are heard in the background*

Caller Number 8: Yes. That's your new nickname. Now for my dare… MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. :D

Rexie: I'm beginning to question the sanity of this person.

Zexion: I agree. I wonder what level their sanity will be at once they see an extra $50 on their phone bill?

Rexie: Heheh.

Xaldy/Xaldin: Get on with it, if you will.

Caller Number 8: Ok Xaldy. Since you've been so nice to me, my dare won't involve you ^^

Xaldin: Joy.

Caller Number 8: But it does involve… Larxene and Demyx. I happen to be a big fan of that pairing….

Demyx: Oh dear superior no… o.o;;

Larxene: You're kidding me.

Caller Number 8: Oh no honey pie, I'm afraid not.

Larxene: Honey Pie? I'll show you honey pie…

Caller Number 8: Now now… You haven't even heard my 'request' O:)

Xemnas: Get. On. With. It.

Caller Number 8: Rightrightright. Ok, I dare LARXENE. To KISS. DEMYX.

Larxene: Noo- *gets an idea* Well. It's a caller person. We better do it.

Demyx: Um… Who are you and what have you done with Larxene?

General Population: o_O

Axel: Usually the last thing Larxene would do is kiss one of us (including me):(

Rexie: *snickers*

Larxene: You know, I gotta get it over with :) Then we can resume life…

Demyx: Well, ok. If you're ok with it…o.o

Caller Number 8: Doesn't matter whether she's ok with it or not! Hahah! :D

Larxene: *Walks over to Demyx* Pucker up, kid. * kisses Demyx, which shocks him*

Demyx: GAHHH! ;-;

Caller Number 8: HAHAHAHHA! Good stuff, good stuff. :D

Larxene: :P I don't intend to stoop that low again, but I'd say that this time it was worth it. :)

Demyx: *touches him lips* Uh Iss! D:

Rexie: Translation- My lips!. Poor Demyx. *goes over and hugs Demyx*

*Zexion, Axel, Luxord, Xigbar, and Roxas follow suit*

Caller Number 8: Well Larxene… Aren't you a heartless #*!$ ?

Larxene: -.- Well, considering I don't actually have a heart, you're probably mostly right.

Demyx: At east suody uffs ee.

Rexie: Translation- 'At least somebody loves me'

Xemnas: *raises eyebrow* Wow. Look at all the chaos. Hope you got your munnies worth, caller number 8. Good bye. *looks at a piece of paper, squints, puts on reading glasses* 'More fun to be had after this commercial break. Don't you move a muscle, because we will be back soon. Wave.' Oops, I mean *waves*

Commercial: DOES JOO WANNA FOOL YO GULLIBLE FRANZ INTO THINKING YO PHONE CAN XRAY THEM? TEXT TOE TO 555-555 TO MAKE IT LOOK LIKE YOU'RE XRAYING THEIR NASTY TOE! *fast voice* You-won't-actually-be-xraying-them-you-idiot-and-wearen't-responsible-if-your-friends-get-mad-at-you-and-you-die-cold-and-lonely-with-an-animal-hoarding-problem-standard-fees-apply-along-with-$20-bucks-for-everytime-you-use-the-fake-stupid-xray-thing-chaching!

Xemnas: Alright, who wrote this stupid card? *glares accusingly at Vexan*

Vexan: Ehem…. -.-;;

Axel: Well, at least now we're only $70 in the hole with the expense of Demyx's lips and his non-existent trust for Larxene. Heh.

**What do you want to read about them doing? Give me some suggestions, and I'll try to use them, plus you won't have to pay! Yaaay!**


End file.
